Chandler The Robot

I've put away my clothes in my tiny new closet, stacking plastic laundry hamper on top of plastic storage bin for lack of space. I've put up picture frames of people I love, arranged my familiar salmon-colored, ruffled pillows on my bed. I light my favorite candle which burns a familiar scent each day. My guitars stand guard dutifully in a corner of the studio bedroom. 

I play familiar songs, watch familiar movies on a strange old t.v. I've screwed up several meals in my new little kitchen with old-crooked wooden drawers that I have to shove closed with my knee. 

My toiletry items are arranged along the ledge in my shower with a shower head so low, I have to duck when I wash my hair. I use unscented shampoo and conditioner because I'm sensitive to smell. I use Hemp-Peppermint soap, because all the other kinds smell too much like flowers, thus bringing on a headache like clockwork. Unscented hairspray. Recycled yogurt cup toothbrush. Floss threaders. Things that all scream, "Made for Meg. Only for Meg. Meg lives here." 

But, I still can't seem to call this place home.

Maybe I'm rushing it. Maybe I'm doing the same thing with my new apartment that I've done with all romantic relationships in the past. After week two and date five, out comes the question, "So, do you love me?"

"It will take time Meg. You'll soon start to become homesick whenever you go grocery shopping for an hour. You'll see." 

Every night, before I go to sleep, I stare up at the ceiling and around my room and into the kitchen where the pale fluorescent light streams in from the communal hallways of the building. I can only see silhouettes of my cherry-wood dresser I bought on sale at Target, my worn yoga mat leaning up against the wall, and the vintage furniture that came with the place that smell like laundry detergent and saw dust. 

I feel like this room is as foreign to me as any hotel room that we stayed in on tour. Except during those nights, I hardly thought about the unfamiliarity of my sleeping quarters, since there were four other band members talking and brushing their teeth, and searching for the latest episode of South Park on t.v.. 

When Nick is around I feel better, no doubt. He seems to have an intuitive understanding of what the place needs. Right after the labor men left my apartment after "installing" my new window air-conditioner, Nick took one glance at their handiwork and pronounced, "Well, they totally installed that completely wrong." He proceeded to open the window and climb out onto the tiny, iron fire escape to correct all the mistakes the men made during their attempt at the installation. Nick knew how to connect the internet, how to work the swiffer, and discovered that what I had deemed the air-conditioner in the kitchen was in fact an exhaust fan.

The past few apartments I've stayed in haven't felt like home either, even after I've lived there for more than a year. The place that feels the closest to home is my folks house. The woman who's womb I came from occupies that place. She makes incredible Korean food daily. My dad has started his own Kombucha factory in the vacant upstairs mother-in-law apartment that my younger sister used to occupy before she went to college. We have a dog. The neighborhood is peaceful and quiet. Crickets sing in harmony. What's not to love?

How do I find that place? Does it have anything to do with the physical structure of the house? Does it have to do with my familiar "stuff" being strewn everywhere? Is it about the people we love being near? Is it about a selection of rainbow tulips adorning the front porch? Is it simply a matter of time? 

I think I know what is now. I know I'm not going to stay here. This is simply a place where I sleep, eat, and live for another "transitional" phase in my life. Isn't life only made up of "transitional phases" though? I suppose at some point I'll have come to that place in my life where I believe that I've finally "made it", I'll take out my flag and pound it into the floors of my home, scream out like Tarzan, and decide that for once: 

I'm not leaving. I'm staying right here.

Have you found your "home" yet?

Honestly,

Meg

Written by Meg Frampton — August 23, 2012

Comments

justinofthemoss:

I can’t say that I have found my “home.” I’m currently in Afghanistan, so this can’t possibly be it. I know that I’m going “home” (to Washington) in a few months, so I guess I’ll have to figure it out then. My girlfriend is moving up from California too, so we will have to set up our first “home” together. In my mind, all that I need is a TV, my Xbox, a car, a bed, and my guns. It might help that I have lived in at least 18 different houses in my life; I’m just used to accepting whatever place I go to sleep in as my home.

August 23 2012 at 07:08 AM

Nathan:

Beautifully written. I’ve just moved to a new city, and I wonder “How long will I have to live here before it feels like home?” Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s until I convince myself I’m not leaving. Best of luck in your new place!

August 23 2012 at 07:08 AM

Matt:

It’s not the walls, the things, or the decor… it’s the people that we share such items with that make it a home. And yeah, like many others I am still searching. But I’ll find mine.

August 23 2012 at 07:08 AM

Emilie:

I feel ya Meg. I just moved into college this week and I’ve never lived anywhere other than my parent’s house, so it’s taking a ton of adjusting.
I’ve tried to make my dorm feel like home… it’s got my instruments, some posters, a few of my favorite books, and the city is amazing. But it still doesn’t feel like home yet right?
I think it’ll just take time.

August 23 2012 at 08:08 AM

Lee:

As cheesy as this sounds “home is where the heart is” makes sense for me. I recently moved to VA and my parents still live in FL. To me “home” will always be my parents place. My brothers and I are spread out all over this country but to us “home” is when we’re all together. My place in VA is not “home”. I dont say after work “im going home” i say im going back to my place if that makes sense.

August 23 2012 at 08:08 AM

Kelsi:

Ya know, it’s funny I just had this discussion with my mom. The first time I moved out of my parent’s house was to move in with a boyfriend. I quickly found out he was extremely controlling and needed anger management and after a huge fight I moved back in with them. I found a basement apartment after that. It was on a beautiful street, close to everything and came fully furnished with everything included for very cheap. I lived there about 3 months when I met Michael. We started dating and he popped the question less than a year into it. Of course I said yes and I promptly moved in with him. My parents house has always felt like home. I lived there in the same bedroom for 21 years. It’s been remodeled and repainted, but it always feels the same. Living with my now ex boyfriend and by myself didn’t feel the same. Living with Michael is completely different. It’s because I know when I come home I’m coming home to someone (and a dog) that loves me.

August 23 2012 at 08:08 AM

JELLO:

I just moved into my own place (a duplex) about 3 months ago and this place doesn’t feel like home. In fact, I haven’t felt at home since our family lost our house and since then we’ve been renting houses and apartments ever since. Those places, even though I was surrounded by family and my old things, I haven’t felt at home either. And it’s not like I exactly “grew up” at the house I considered home.

I don’t know what it is. I think it’s actually owning – not renting – your own place, being comfortable and settled and able to renovate a place any way you wanted to without having to ask for approval from a landlord.

August 23 2012 at 08:08 AM

JELLO:

Oops. I pressed enter too soon. Yeah, renovating your own place and making it your own makes a place feel like home. I’ve tried making my own rental seem “homey” as much as possible, (painting a chalkboard in the kitchen, building a little area out front for my dogs to run around in) but it still isn’t the same. I know once I move back to California, buy a house complete with modern appliances, a garage, and a backyard, I’ll finally be a O k.

August 23 2012 at 08:08 AM

Spider:

What makes a house a home, Meg??? This could take up 20 more blog posts!;)

August 23 2012 at 09:08 AM

ELI:

I think you will find your home once you get married and feel like its time to settle down. Right now you are still experimenting with your music and your jewelry line, and you still have that urge to see what the rest of the world has to offer. Once you get married and start your own little family you will see that any place you move into will feel like home, because it has all the people that you love in it. So don’t sweat it, you will eventually find a place to call home. Its just that right now its not the time to settle down for you.

August 23 2012 at 10:08 AM

Kristina:

I’m a college student in Austin, and I’ve discovered that after being here for roughly a year, I can call this place home…but only to an extent. Don’t get me wrong, i LOVE Austin, but I firmly believe that it’s the people that make the place “home”. My family is back in Dallas, so for now, until I’ve found my second family, that place will always TRULY be my home. So I can relate fully!

August 23 2012 at 10:08 AM

algalhi:

Beautifully written, Meg! This has really made me think! Like Matt, I think that “home” is not the physical space as much as it is people. We make a home with our family and friends (and pets!) whom we live with. If we live alone, then maybe a place becomes home when we make friends in our neighborhood, when we find the best burger place down the street, when we get to know the clerk at the bookstore. Home is community. But maybe home doesn’t even have to be where you sleep. My son moved recently to a new town to continue his schooling, leaving his many friends and home for the past several years behind. He is busy finding a yoga studio and fitness center that he likes and he already has new friends at his school. I suspect all of that will become his community, his “home”, in time.

August 23 2012 at 11:08 AM

T-Bone:

I have lived in my current house for the last 19 years. It is nothing special in appearance, but I built a lot of memories there with my wife and son which has always made it special to me. I always thought that it has become home. However, due to a great scholastic and sports opportunity for my son, my son and wife moved away for 10 months last year to another state to take the opportunity while I just worked to pay the bills. I tell you that familar happy place, just became a lonely, empty building and a reminder of how they were away every night. It was not a home with out them. When they came back, it was magically a home again. Home for me, can’t exist without my loved ones.

August 23 2012 at 11:08 AM

Roseanne:

I think home is anywhere you’re able to be yourself, and where you’re chasing or living out your dreams. A kind of content and happiness where you cant picture being anywhere or doing anything else at that moment. That could be at college dorms, a new apt, a hostel somewhere in Asia, wherever. I dont like to be in the mindset that I wont be happy until I settle in the perfect place, or start a family in the unknown future, as long as I am present

August 23 2012 at 12:08 PM

Kendall:

I don’t think I’ve found my home yet. hard to find one when I switch between two houses weekly. maybe my home will be where I live when I finally get my own place.

August 23 2012 at 02:08 PM

Leslie:

this was a great read. i lost my “home” when the people that made it feel that way passed away. i haven’t found a new one that feels right. it’s about the people, for me, i think…. not the place.

August 23 2012 at 02:08 PM

Meg (Chandler The Robot Admin):

Roseanne – I think what you said was beautiful and very gracefully put (unlike the sentence I just made, ha ha.)

T Bone – you never know what you have until you don’t have it for awhile, right? That’s how I feel when Nick hits the road for performances. It’s always SUPER amazing when he comes back though:)

Algalhi – I just found a really nice super market down the street from me in walking distance, and a yoga studio with great teachers. That has made all the difference.

ELI – you are exactly right. It just feels a little funny in this “phase”. Justinofthemoss – you remind me of my little sister Jade. She traveled all over the world playing tennis while she was growing up and still does. She’s perfectly happy in any situation, and I mean ANY situation. HA ha.

August 23 2012 at 03:08 PM

Rebecca:

When my family lost the house we’ve lived in for all of my life we started renting houses. After one year we would probably move. The current house we are living in now has been our “home” for 2 years now (That’s a record. Woah!). However, the houses we have rented none of them feel like “home”. Even though all of my loved ones are still with me, the place still doesn’t feel like “home”. I still consider the house we lost to be my home. I felt whole there. When I would go outside I was greeted by neighbors that I grew up with. When I would go in the backyard, everywhere I would turn there was a memory. When I would go in the garage, which my dad made into a dance studio, I felt happy and safe. I personally think my “home” is where I grew up and where any place I looked there was a memory.

August 23 2012 at 04:08 PM

Ohpshaw:

This whole thread reminds me of Miranda Lambert’s song, “The House That Built Me”:

“Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
And I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard”

Home in one’s mind really is just people, a place, and a time. You can’t return there exactly as it was, because change is constant, but you can build new memories that tie to the best of the old ones and take comfort and joy in that.

I know it sounds trite, but it’s true: As long as you know who you are, then you aren’t limited to your current surroundings.

There you go again, Meg. You made me think about things I almost never think about. ;)

August 24 2012 at 09:08 AM

Kelsi:

I just recently moved away from home for the first time, so I’ve been struggling with the same thing. My boyfriend (also named Nick) has been such a great help to me in my “transition” as it seems your Nick has to you. Any more advice you can give on how to get through the loneliness and “fear of the unknown” and unfamiliarity that is almost overwhelming at times would be greatly welcomed, haha.

August 24 2012 at 03:08 PM

Isaac:

I know exactly what you mean. This is going to be my second year away from home and going to school at UT Austin, and i’ve had this same apartment for this time i’ve been away, some days it ALMOST feels like home but other days i feel lost a bit. I think what makes a home is knowing that its your place and its where your going to stay forever. I see a difference between childhood homes and Adult homes, Childhood homes is where mom and moms cooking is and a place where your allowed to be a little messy because you know your mom will come in and yell at you to clean it up but thats something that makes home home. The smell, the look, the feel, the comfort of knowing you’re there and someone other then yourself is looking after you is all what we miss when we move out to be independent. Adult home is when you’ve grown strong enough to escape away from the childhood home and start venturing out to find a place to make you’re new home where all everything comes together to make you feel the same comfort. I feel at home here in my apartment but its not the same comfort, to me, its just a temporary home while i study.

August 25 2012 at 01:08 PM

Laura Shane:

This is expressing everything about my life right now. I’m a California girl, moved out to Colorado from god knows why. I feel homesick, and my ‘home’ feels like an empty building that is vacant from any emotion. Maybe in our thirties we will find our home, or do babies create that ‘home’ environment that our mothers provided for us? But hey Meg, at least we aren’t alone in these feelings. They are part of our transitional lives, that we have no clue where they are going.

In due time, in due time – at least, thats what I try to convince myself.

August 25 2012 at 10:08 PM

S.:

I’m an Army brat, something I’ve learned is that Home is more of a place in your mind rather than a place in the world.

August 26 2012 at 12:08 PM

Hana:

Hi Meg!
After reading this blog entry, it reminded me of one of your songs, “The Place Where I Feel Most Like Me”

I completely understand why you would feel as if your parent’s home feels like “home.”
Yes, it may be the familiarity of everything within that house as well as the proximity of your love ones. It’s the place where you grew up and have many memories about that place.

I think most people feel the same way as to feeling as if you are “home.” But along one’s lifetime, the individual will have to go through a transition of moving from “home” to “my home.” I don’t know if I’m making any sense. However, I believe it’s all just the matter of time. The concept of “time” I’m using are life factors.

For me, I feel as if I’ve never had a true cozy “home.” The one place where I can be most comfortable. Yet, I know there will be a time in my life when I will make my own place “home.”

September 06 2012 at 11:09 AM

Sarah:

Hope that you don’t mind me linking this to my blog. My friend sent me this while I was working on fixing up my RV before my cross country trip. I don’t think that I want to live in it forever and there are things about it that drive me crazy but in it’s way for the last seven months it has grown on me and started to feel like home. It’s kind of nice to not be the only one who thinks this.
http://whatiseeandsomestuffiknow.blogspot.com/

January 12 2013 at 05:01 PM

Leave a comment

Please note: comments must be approved before they are published.

Liquid error: Could not find asset snippets/beetailer.liquid